How to eat God

It was as easy to catch Him as you expect, and even easier to do it on your own! All you have to do now is select one of various limbs to cut. Consult the enclosed diagram to help with your selection of the best cuts of the creature. Careful to drain and dispose of the Blood beforehand, or you’ll have a mess of divine proportions on your hands.

A note on Blood:

Blood should be disposed of in a suitable manner. Do not allow the Blood to reach any public water source or natural reserve as it is considered a biohazard. The technical term for the specific subcategory of this biohazard does not yet exist, but with the increasing rate of discovery and capture, we are sure it will soon.

To dispose of Blood, simply drain the beast into a large container, which can be sealed. Make sure that the container is approximately 120m x 120m x 120m, and approximately 5m thick, and constructed of a solid, reliable metal, such as Iron, Titanium, or an alloy of two or more.

Make sure to conduct regular checks on your store of Blood. Discoloration (usually a rusty tint around the edges or reduction in the volume) indicate impurities, in which case you ought to replace to container or the air-tight seals.

A note on Bones:

CT scan imagery has revealed a rich and valuable substance encased in the Bones. However, no technology or chemical has yet been discovered which can help us reach into them, due to the hardness of the exterior of the Bones. Look forward to an updated edition of this Guide in the near future, or a second volume entirely.

For future use, store these in a container of appropriate size similar to the Blood, but NOT together. Discoveries show that Blood and Bones coming into contact have catastrophic effects on the surrounding environment.

That being said, it is important to note that Bones disposed of in nature have yielded questionable results. It seems that the material of the Bones becomes chewable to the teeth of deer, bears, wild boar, and most other large wild carnivorous and herbivorous animals. Further experimentation on such phenomena is being undertaken in secure locations of varied climates. Perhaps when technology to emulate these bites is developed, the contents (and flavour) of this legendary Marrow will no longer be a mystery to us all.

For the rest of miscellaneous cuts, consult the overleaf of the aforementioned diagram for instructed disposals.

On inedible Parts:

All documented inedible Parts are disclosed in the first chapter of this guide. Unlike various other seafood, there is no known way to make these Parts any less toxic than they naturally occur. That being said, those marked with a red triangle ought to be destroyed by burning (if soft tissue) or stored in a similar manner to Blood and Bones.

On edible Parts:

All other Parts are edible (in moderation.)

On Ink:

Acts as normal Ink, black. (Disclaimer, unusual results yielded when attempting to write with said Ink. Do not use on government/bank documents. Do not substitute for tattoo ink.)

Final Note:

The following Guide is the result of three innovative experiments in the Culinary arts, a trailblazer for the future of food in general, as well as Medicine, Art, and Culture. All unforeseen consequences of the enclosed instructions and recipes (not named in the introduction or Guide itself) are the result of personal negligence and/or divine vengeance.

Happy cooking!

In case it wasn’t obvious, this was a parody. Don’t try to actually eat God. Actually, don’t wander out into the ocean to look for anything divine. If you find it, you won’t be the one dining fine that day.

This ‘Guide’ came to me when I was writing my university assignment, a 750-word short story about a hubristic exotic chef who wants to capture and cook the Kraken before he retired in order to go out with a bang. Instead, he severs only one limb, losing his own leg in the struggle, and wastes the entire captured flesh because he can’t make it taste good.

I imagined an alternate or extended ending:

After the chef’s disgraced demise or fading into obscurity, a new generation of cooks manage to perfect his recipe, and the practice of Kraken cuisine becomes widespread. I imagined the mythological aspects of the different parts of the beast and what effects these unusual meals would have. I even consider making the ‘Guide’ a series here on medium, or ‘Alternate Universe’ sci-fi story, with each chapter posted in a different installment.

Read more short stories and poetry here!